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16th August 2016 - FLIGHTS NOT TO FANCY

Janky was perusing the Interweb lunch-time news today in search of good old facts.

The chosen source is always a balance of the Guardian [it’s free] and the Daily Mail [it’s also free] which gives him the correct view of the world.

A little known bizarre fact is that Mail readers go to the comments section of the Guardian to berate the Lefties, and vice versa, so Janky has a nice middle of the road opinion to teach to Young Fly.

During holiday season, it’s always nice to see the British holidaymaker kickin’ off on board their cheap flights. So much so that a ban on booze is seriously considered for air travel – not a problem for the Jankster as it’s the only place I don’t lush it, as you can’t smoke at the same time.

De-tox heaven for me.

Yesterday saw a new low – one passenger berating a kid and parents for the noise the crying child was making. She called the father a p****. Dunno if that was prick, ponce, pervy or a mis-pronounced pratt. Doesn’t seem to be such an asterisky sort of insult in Janks world by the way.

The flight – Manchester to Ibiza.

FFS – if it does NOT kick off on that route, then there’s something wrong with the world!

SO.. for your benefit, Janky has spent the time it’s taken to eat a Tesco £3 meal deal searching the 5 most bawdy air routes available.

5 – Birmingham – Prague, on a Thursday evo. Yup our Brummie chums take a day off work and Stag it out to Bohemia.

4 – Toronto – Havana . In March. There's a party that only Norte Americano students have each year. Avoiding their mind numbingly easy classes and 8 foot of snow for a week, they pile on to cheap flights south chanting "Spriiiiiing Breaaaak". So culturally popular this festival is, it has spurned over 20 Hollywood blockbusters, including Spring Break Bikini girls, Spring Break Jocks and Alien versus Spring Breakers. Yankees go to Miami and Cancun. But Canadians go to Cuba. A Canadian going flight crazy is like a Manc half asleep. So not as terrifying as 3 below, but if you want to see a Nanuk dressed as a polar bear punching the lights out of a guy wearing moose antlers both fuelled on free Molson, this is your flight.

3 – Manchester – Ibiza. See above. It’s obvious really, and as bad on the return as the way out.

2 – London – Nairobi. This is the most often used flight for repatriation to East Africa. Janky thanked God he had over ear headphones as the failed asylum seeker screamed for 3 hours before urinating her seat and being moved up to Club Class if she promised to behave. Janky tried this after failing to upgrade on the flight home – was refused and now has the arse equivalent of trench foot.

And the Number 1 unruly flight on the planet.

No, not Manchester to the Rest of the World.

Well done you Aussies.

1 – Perth – Bali. 3 hours of beer sodden airtime, with the highest rate of toilet tobaccing, molestation and larikiness. Average 4 arrests per flight.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

22nd January 2016 - EURODIVER

In or out?

It’s the question on everyone’s lips.

But if you can’t make up your mind – take this test to see if you are Jacques Cousteau on Calypso or Admiral Lord Nelson on Victory.

Let the Dive decide.


You have been asked politely to be at the front of your hotel at 8 a.m for the pick up to get to the Dive Boat for an early departure.

• Answer A – Stupid – I have to have a coffee from the room kettle, dress in my Desigual breakfast clothing and then ask for a very complicated omelette from the man before having more coffee and perhaps some cheese. Then I have to wash my sunglasses before I can be seen by the driver. Oh, I have forgotten my spare snorkel for the days diving. I will be only a few minutes getting it.

• Answer B – “Bloody ‘ell love – its 7.55 – make us a cup of tea – and I’ll take the mini-bar water and Pringles for now. Don’t want to be late”


It’s way hot. Like over 20 degrees. All the passengers are sweating. What do you do?

• Answer A – Insist on keeping all the windows closed and then trying to see if the A/C will work for the short duration to the port.

• Answer B – Assume the 80’s converted Transit is basically screwed. Open all the windows and be glad you are wearing a lightweight football shirt where the sweat diffusion cools you down.


Dive site is an hour away. There’s a briefing in 45 minutes.

• Answer A – Get kitted up straight away. Start tank checking, suiting and lens cleaning the camera. Sit on the seat and talk loudly about your last dive and the size of the sharks you saw.

• Answer B – Where’s the coffee? I need some now. Fumble with the powder milk sachet and pour sugar 6 inches away from your cup when the boat hits a wave. Drink it and then need the loo. Break the hand pump and hope no-one has noticed. Suit up in less than a minute. Good to go- but your camera is still in the hotel room.


Wow. The best coral ever seen with delicate anemones and nudibranchs. What’s your Dive Plan?

• Answer A – To try to get as many underwater souvenirs as I can possibly snaffle – with the compliance of my buddy. If there was a B&Q at the port I would have gotten a couple of chisels and a waterproof angle grinder.

• Answer B – Was there coral? Was there an anemone? I thought I saw a shark – but it could have been a plastic bag. God, I am so hungover. Maybe the next dive will revive me.


Time to get out of your wetsuit and into your civvies before the boat hits the home mooring. Does this take long?

• Answer A – Of course not. I shall fully remove all my neoprene in front of everyone as I am happy with my body. Whilst naked, as we do often at home, I shall apply as much moisturiser as it takes to rehydrate my skin. If you are offended by my nakedness, then that is your problem not mine. My buddy is also nude and will apply ample L’Oreal to my back.

• Answer B – Ages. I have to undress with a badly positioned towel around my waist. If no-one is looking I shall quickly pop on my Primark undies. If someone is looking I will shuffle a pair of shorts up my legs and hope the towel will stay in place. Once the bottom bit is done, my gut releases the towel so everyone can see the snake tattoo coming up from my perineum to my shoulder.


Digital photography and a big piece of plastic housing has allowed the keen amateur to replicate shots that only the best used to take. What have you got?

• Answer A – Nikon XLS with a Hannheiser mount. Krypton flash and all wrapped up in a bespoke Korean made poly-kevlar shield. Don’t ask what it cost – you can’t afford it. “Look at my shots of the grouper – got the light right – it even shows the tiny teeth. Macro-tastic. Wait while I take you through the other 400 images from the safety stop.”

• Answer B – Kodak Underwater – waterproof to 4 metres. But I took it down to 60 to see if it would implode. Got a few shots of fish tails – but a great one of your wife/buddy sharing air and phone numbers with the Instructor after they got bored of waiting for you to photo a shrimp. One of us will be mugged on the way back to the hotel. It won’t be me.


Skin cancer is a serious issue. Especially in a hot, sunny ozone free country that you visit often. Slap it all on?

• Answer A – Of course. I apply Factor 50 before I go to sleep, and top up with that new stuff P20 for the day. I do not want to burden my health service with an unnecessary melanoma when I could have avoided it.

• Answer B – It’s not that hot. Honey, give me that stick we put on the kids lips and I will try it on my nose. You need to get some sun on you the first day to get the tan working by the end of the week. And the red turns into brown later – I read it on the web.


Diving, apres-dive or in the disco on your holidays – how important is it to you to have the latest gear on an active holiday?

• Answer A – Mandatory. We invented fashion. I cannot show a friend a single photo of me with barracuda if I look like a dick. Each year I burn my old neoprene to power my eco-friendly chalet and get a subsidy for my new Mares from the local mayor.

• Answer B – Northern Diver. Second hand. E-bay.


Power the diving day by eating well. It’s your fuel for the cold waters below the thermocline, and when you mix gas on that 100 metre dive, a 5 hour deco stop can make you hungry.

• Answer A – Bircher muesli, fruit salad and some of that salty cheese with a tiny bit of salami.

• Answer B – Under the bacon lies bread to mop up the fat. That and more bacon. If they have sausages, five. If they have Baked Beans – a bowl full. Cereal to make me feel healthy – but only the bootleg Corn Flakes.


A huge queue at the check in for the flight back. Your local guide has a friend at the counter and can get you straight to the front for 20 bucks.

• Answer A – NO – I will go there myself and demand to be checked in now, because I have a loud voice and a bad haircut.

• Answer B – NO – I will wait in line because I can complain later. Though I won’t as the phone line is an 0845 and that will take all my phone credit.


• Mainly A’s : Zut alors, Teufel, Ay caramba – you are truly a Scion of Schengen. You will vote IN to bring you closer to the culture and sophistication of Rome piazzas and cheaper roaming charges.

• Mainly B’s : As British as the bacon butty you eat by a freezing cold quarry in mid-November. You will vote OUT as you know global warming will give Weymouth a Mediterranean coastline in a few years and so there will never be a need to leave this Sceptred Isle.

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

12th January 2016 - AQUATOTS

There was a time when this boggy flooded island used to export to the world - wool and democracy.

It’s so different now. Time with others from the continent leaves a different perspective. We are not so much Great Britain, but the “Islanders”.

Cameron’s wet negotiations, lucky that at least the Hungarian PM gave him some time and a promise before our vote, the comedy of our opposition, it looks like we have lost it all in the face of the Europeans.

But no.

We still export the best of one thing to the whole darn world.

Our good ole British Paedos.

Kick off in Cologne. We can give you worse.

The Jungle walking up the Tunnel to get here. Bad?

Nope – our new export to the EU sends a bigger shiver down collective euro-spines than anything coming here from within the Incontinent.

Local news from the Romanian borderland with Serbia, not even reported here yet, has fingered a peculiar man in the local swimming pool.

Timisoara Daily has exposed a perv who has been coming into the local baths daily. Aged over 40, this guy has avoided the Adults Pool to use the Kiddies Pool with the excuse he is learning to swim. CCTV has him there on most days.

But guess what he does when next to tots doing their first breast-stroke.

Yup. His Speedos accidentally fall down and he proceeds to Master his Johnson.

It took a few Mums to see this and report him.

However there is no underwater CCTV in operation for full legal prosecution, so he has just been banned from all pools in a 300 kilometre radius of Timisoara.

And children.

“Bloody Germans” I say.

“An Islander” says Cruella.

YEESUS. An Underwater Paedo.

A Subaqua Savile.

Give Tom Watson a wet suit and a Dive Lawyer.

FFS – can we stop this. Can Operation Yewtree extend to Oak tree, Elm tree, Ash tree and bloody Olive tree. What is it about the UK that we seem to have our kiddie fiddlers operating all over Europe, including small pools in far flung ex-Commie towns?

What does the UK have that the EU does not to cause this?

Cheap EasyJet flights to soft policed areas. Perhaps.

A lack of out-going border control at Luton. Definitely.


That’s the Bullseye – last time I took Young Fly for a walk on the common – I had my eye out for them all.

“Would you like to play with my puppy?” – “Would you like a smack”

“Which way is Portsmouth?”

“Do you have a light?”

“How old is your son?”

They are EVERYWHERE I tell you.

Romania just has to catch up with our home grown paranoia.

Mind you – last time I was in Austria, the guy from Air BnB had to go the cellar to get change for 100 Euros from his daughter.

And their child.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

3rd June 2015 - QUOTE QUIZ

Heard today:

“But it was mainly people owning up to it. They felt embarrassed, they felt frustrated, they felt stupid, but you’ve got to man up to this stuff. I could hear in their voices, some were in tears, just mad at themselves.”

Who said it and why?

A: FIFA committee members realising that Seppo really couldn’t go on at all – was deeply implicated in all these “funds to research football schools”, which never did - and the Feds are about to bust him too.

B: LibDem back room staff on allowing Charles Kennedy his last appearance on Question Time. The one where weary and woozy he stumbled mid-sentence and was pleased Dimbleby cut through him and went back to the audience. The one which made us a bit less surprised at news of his demise.

C: An ISIS schoolgirl jihadi bride’s comments on being re-united with her parents back in the UK, after coming home after running out of sanitary towels and RPGs in Mosul.

D: None of the above

Correct answer: D

Oh yes – It was Simon Cowell – after discovering a dog had a stunt double to win his show.

Beating yet another troupe of street dancing estate kids who think they’re Diversity.

The fact that this Nation has had 2 dogs winning in the last 3 years, shows we seriously lack talent.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

9th April 2015 - Q-TIPS

Cuba's in the news. To go or not to go. Janky went to find out and offers you these Cuba-tips.

• DO – Go and go now. This time will be known as the Castro P.M. Yes Pre-MacDonald’s - the Americans are coming. Current President Raul has 2 more years in office and the expectation with the lightening of U.S. relations is a tsunami of cruise boats and burger lovers. It still has a wonderful Caribbean Communist charm. Perhaps if Russia had better weather, rum, beaches and beautiful people then Putin would still have a Soviet Union.

• DO – Try diving on both coasts. The north has all the big tourist hotels [Cubans are not allowed to stay there], so its boat diving from your all-inclusive, but you won’t see the real country, especially if you fly charter directly to Cayo Coco. Try the south coast. Better coral and even some cenotes filled with fish and perfectly clear water. The Bay of Pigs two hours south of Havana is cool and you will see the true Cuba.

• DO – Get a basic NVQ in plumbing before you go. The loos and showers can be pretty hopeless at times, and rather than wait for the local guy to finish his siesta, I found it easier to fix it myself. A travel spanner set from B and Q can easily fit into a dive bag. Presto, a non-embarrassingly empty khasi for when your partner comes back from the cigar shop.

• DO – A little history. West of Havana are some amazing mountains and caves where Russell Brand lookalike “El Commadante” lived during the US funded military invasion in ’61. You can see his bedroom still preserved in a small cavern, replete with writing desk and comfy red pillows. They call it “Chez Guevara”.

• DO – Spend the best 30 bucks of your life on one thing. And this is a must do. Go to Central Park in Havana Old Town and see the line-up of old drop-top Pontiacs, Buicks, Plymouths and finned Chevvys. Brightly coloured and polished to perfection. In an hour you can see most of the city including Revolution Square and the best of the fading Spanish colonial architecture. Finish with the long drag by the bay called the Malecon where they fish from floating rubber rings and families dance to all the musicians playing by the sea. You will never forget it - and you will look and feel “pura vida”.

• DON’T – Ever lose your patience. Yes you have to wait in line a lot of times. Especially on arrival at the airport which can take over two hours to get through - what with customs, baggage and buying your tourist money called a “convertible peso”. But remember that the locals do it all the time when they have to get their free daily bread, milk, meat and eggs. The locals joke that that is why it’s called “Queue-ba”.

• DON’T – Have high expectations of the food outside Havana and the big hotels. Rice n beans, chicken or pork. That’s about it. I did ask why during the revolution they shot all the chefs as well as Batista’s soldiers. That was met with a frosty look. But in the home of rum, mojitos and daiquiris as well as Cohibas – who needs to eat anyway.

• DON’T – Snigger on your way to the northern cays when you go through the town of Moron. Cuba has the highest literacy rate of all of the Americas, they can all play a musical instrument and guess what? Their doctors were in West Africa months before we were helping with the Ebola Crisis. None of them contracted it either – which is more than we can say for the U.S. and Blighty.

• DON’T – Forget that the monthly government salary to every Cuban is only 50 bucks. Road sweeper or neurosurgeon – it’s the same. A socialist paradise. But the shops are fairly empty. The biggest supermarket is the size of a Spar. If you have any old dive kit or stuff you don’t really need, leave it to the locals. They will be grateful. I now have a new routine for developing countries. Pop down to Primark – spend 20 quid on your clothes and give it all to the needy when you go. That leaves enough space in your suitcase to fill with all the fish carvings and Che berets your family at home need as presents.

• DON’T – Freak out if you find a crab in your room. And twenty outside the door. For a week a year the land crabs migrate from the forest behind the hotel, over the walls and through the grounds to the beach in front of you. The local roads are filled with more crabby splats than when a John West delivery truck jack-knifes on the M25. A true wonder of nature. And it’ll save you 5 grand on a flight to Christmas Island if you’re into that sort of thing.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

1st April 2015 - TRICKSY

Had my cell phone swiped by the cleaner. But I just couldn’t figure out how. I know I left it in the room the previous afternoon. Did not take it out that evening and had to clear the area at 5 a.m. to go to another destination the next morning.

As a well experienced traveller I know how to exit a hotel room. Bag packed. Check under the bed, back into the bathroom to pull the shower curtain back. All clear. Do the drawers and look under the bed again. Sweet. Nothing left behind, it must be in last night’s pre-packed Samsonite. But lo…when you get to the next destination – your phone is not to be seen or found. The natural reaction is to blame yourself and maybeee you took it out to the bar and left it there. But I was so sure I did not and the phone call to the hotel is met with “Nada mobile” in your old room Senor – that you give up and put it to experience.

Until this happened.

Next hotel in Cayo Coco – a dodgy 3 star on Cuba’s northern cays, Janky found the tricksy way it happens.

A pair of missing shades. They were here – deffo – last night before we went out for the evening and afore the service person does a “sheet-turn-down” (still the most un-necessary waste of hotel staff time, along with towel origami).

No shades the next morning. 30 minutes of panicked returns to the bar, restaurant and beach. Not to be found.

But then Janky is putting his last fag out in the Coke can in the bin under the sink. And guess what’s there right under the other minibar tins and empty Soltan factor 50 bottles. YES – a pair of sunglasses. No way they fell there, the bin is well under the sink.

They were put there by your friendly room cleaner.

So here’s the trick. Your stuff is not stolen. It’s hidden in room, least where you will expect to look. They know you are checking out that morning and can go pick it up when you are half way to Zapata to see the crab migration. They also know you won’t come all the way back for an item worth under a hundred quid.

And to think Fidel, Raul and Che fought for that level of petit crime. Pathetic. Cuba, sort it out.

So dear Traveller – when you are 110% convinced that your missing stuff is in the room. Check the bin and in time check the one by the loo where they know you would never look in a country that can’t flush Andrex into the sewage system.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

12th August 2014 - UP THE TUNDRA

Sadly Oxfordshire council have stopped the habit of taking all the yoof with ASBOs to Center Parcs for a mind broadening experience that hoped to see the offenders mix with normal humans and thus learn that yobbery was bad. Mainly due to all the rooms being broken into, but also 3 cases of attempted rape and one incidence involving a dog, pool cue and a wrap of heroin. Go figure.

The upshot of all this?

Janky has had to take young Fly off somewhere this summer.

Fly is now of the age where the sweet odour of youth is replaced by Lynx Africa. The age where a fathers scruffing of their hair is met with fingers dripping in gel and agonising screams as their barnet is now “all messed up”.

And finally the age where Countdown, Pointless and the 5 o’clock news are considered breakfast television. Attempted wake up calls at 10 or 11 a.m. are met with silence. Later shouts get a “shuuuutuuup”, but as regular as the cock is replaced by the owl, he will surface and hunt down cereal and toast.

But we parents are cleverer, eh.

Fly likes his golf – courtesy of wall to wall programming at his Youth Institute. Theres little point playing at home though if he’s on the course just as it gets dark.

Smart solution – take the Fly to where it is still light even at midnight – so he can get the hours on the greens needed to keep Janky in green at a later date. That’s what kids are for.

We have headed to Finland.

More later, Fly is having an emergency as he has accidentally eaten herring on black rye bread. He thought it was an Oreo.



For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog


STUPID 1 this week. A Saudi Arabian blogger sets up a forum to discuss religion in the governing of his country.

Result – 1000 lashes and a ten year sentence if the former doesn’t kill him.

STUPID 2 this week. Polio makes a comeback. After millions of man hours, billions in dollars we, humanity, almost got rid of this sickening virus that causes permanent disability in children. So near to adios virus, along with smallpox and bubonic plague. But no, some nutters felt that the vaccination programme was not for the good of the planet, but an evil scheme from the West to control citizens.

Who could be so dim?

Step forward - the Taliban. Thanks guys and girls, if that’s what’s under those black sheets. We almost had it nailed, but you screwed it all up, in the name of….

Are you getting the thread here?

Could it be Islam?

STUPID 3 this month. Yes the poor girls of a boarding school in Nigeria. It has taken the BBC - 3 weeks to start criticising their government for doing nothing. It took the BBC that long to even take the story seriously. 3 days after the event, Janky asked some homies their views on this situation. They knew nada. And these boyz are well informed - but the news was full of Korean cruise ship debacles and the extended thread of missing aircraft. Aunty had it as a short 5th story after various subtle plugs for labour.

(Thank God there was a slow news window this week before Rolf Harris appeared in court…..

Can you see what it is yet?

Is it a tube of white paint Rolf? I’ll give it a squeeze to find out.)

The world has finally woken up to this monstrous African atrocity.

Children. Away from home. Kidnap. Sold to bondage and slavery. Inaction. Every parent’s nightmare rolled in to one.

As Shoeman pointed out, there may be a reason for Nigerian vacillation.

Apparently 75% of the oil income this year has disappeared. Yup just gone. The President really has had more Goodluck than any previous incumbent.

By the way, this is a politician who really is eponymous. Through successive deaths and disappearance, an ill-equipped man who rode Number 2 in all his previous appointments became the Pres. Imagine a fire in the Houses of Parliament, followed by a bomb at the Liberal Party conference and the last man left standing is Vince Cable, who becomes Prime Minister. That’s how Nigeria got their man in charge.

The the luck of Goodluck. He’s been laundering the oil money these last 3 weeks. So… for the first ever time, open your spam!

Those offers from Nigeria are for real dude.

You know the second biggest landlord at Number 1 Hyde Park is a Nigerian oil baron.

The biggest? – a local Knightsbridge solicitor that speaks Russian.

Says it all, eh.

Shame on you Islamist extremists Procul Harum, or whatever you are called. Your pathetic excuse - Girls should not be at school, they should be married at 14.

FFS. Islamic retards. Perhaps if the Qu’raan can be so manipulated by those so stupid, the next crusade should replace it with “Ant and Bee Make a Cake”. No room for prejudicial interpretation there.

And this is where we now need the Tories to make some strong decisions, and it shames me to say this, like the French.

They went in to Mali and kicked ass when the local Brotherhood were amputating and beheading. Imagine if we sent some specialists in to find these girls. And you know who I mean here. Cos as sure as a 60 million London property is a 60 million London property, the local government have other things on their mind.

I can’t even see the Guardian and BBC complaining about that. Cameron might even get re-elected.

Yes we might be tired of Afghan and Iraqi war but this is different. We have a duty to an old colony, like the French in Mali and can’t expect the Yanks to always bail out the world.

Step up William Hague – cast off that image of a wet Tory teenager and be a man for once.

However the real issue with Islam, and I will not be an apologist for it as our press seems to be, is that it is 600 years younger that Christianity.

Still medieval in its construct and attitudes, and still wet behind the ears when it comes to manipulation by its leaders.

And yes if we go back over half a millennium in the UK, we were burning Catholics, hanging Protestants, eviscerating Aztecs and generally creating a very merry hell unto each other in the name of Faith.

This is the cycle and maturing of Religion. Hopefully Islam will be just fine in A.D. 2500

Just a shame that the newest one will be hell bent on global destruction by then.

Expect the Force to be evil with the Mormons in the future my descendants.

Bonne Chance


On a happier note, the swifts have arrived at last in London. Screeching and wheeling in the Battersea sky. Summer is truly here.

Roll on Fly’s next few cricket matches being rained off.

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

18th March 2014 - NO CRIME 'ERE

When Janky was living down in his birth-hood, a quiet rollin-chalky-hill kinda place, known as Dorset or Daaarzet in the local vernacular, he happened upon the age where he could vote.

And being of sound mind, he cast it for the only party that really had the local interests at heart. Yup…the WNP.

Sadly lost to democracy now, there really was a Wessex Nationalist Party.

They popped candidates across all four historic counties that constituted this ancient Arthurian area. Dorset, Devon, Somerset and Cornwall, they felt, could go it alone. We could stand on our bow-legged feet, pitchforks in hand and say **** off to Wiltshire, Hampshire and beyond.

Candidates had the mandatory beards and sandals, and mine was my own music teacher, who looked like he had suffered cowpox and had the ruddy complexion of one who tilled the soil. That or too much booz at lunch in the staff room of the local comp where Janky had to legally attend.

They really thought they could go it alone. The manifesto pointed out the huge monies to be had from cider and pilchard exports as well as tourism to this area famous for cream teas and the Tolpuddle Martyrs. An excise on all Thomas Hardy novels along with a duty on the Prozac you need when reading them. A toll on the M27 and A30 as well as annexing Stonehenge when we were powerful enough to take on those from Salisbury.

Yup, the WNP had it all thought through.

Just a shame my vote was only accompanied by 12 others.

The local land-owning Tory took the seat as always, not to be seen for the next 4 years as he sat in the Garrick Club talking wheat prices.

Well WNP, you were a party too far ahead of your time, and with slightly the wrong angle.

We have seen the light these past weeks. If you truly want independence from your overlords, there is only one way. And Scots take note.

Vote Putin.

With a bit of lobbying in Moscow, Wessex could be standalone, and with free gas, vodka and a leader that can fly a microlight.

And just as now…no one would do anything at all.

It’s our own fault really. Putin has seen all his planets come into alignment and has made his move.

A disinterested China, impotent America, war weary Britain and a cuckolded France only leaves Germany to flex its muscle. And Frau Merkel, you need their gas too much.

This could be a time for Turkey to show its no chicken. You know, get the old Ottoman out of the attic and start the Empire again. Then again it might ruin their new found billions from the Russian tourists found rotund, red and still mulleted at the Bodrum all-inclusives.

So the playground bully will get his way as he has realised all the other tough kids have sick notes.

Now is the time to join his gang.

Wessex …wake up in 2015 and vote for regional “autonomy”.

Vote Russia.

They need an Atlantic port. It’s a fair trade.

You know it makes sense.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog


Such is the power of protest, that in the time it takes to set off flares, get bitten by a police dog and to burn down the local parking office, your previously elected President buggers off, leaving the keys in the old palace door.

The scenes last week of an orderly queue of Ukrainians going round their version of Chequers was a tad odd. Usually after the removal of the ex-boss there is a rush for the gold taps and cutlery, but not with this lot. Like at the opening of an exhibition at the R.A., they were well behaved and seemed a little sad that the only excess on view was a marble plunge pool, just big enough for 3 hookers and the Man.

Well, all is about to change Donetsk dudes.

He’s coming back and he’ll charge for entry this time.

You didn’t account for Putin the Powerful vs Merkel the Merciless [admittedly with Little Will Hague as her corner man]. There is only one winner.

And most of all you underestimated the sheer stupidity of our press and reportage.

Once again the Beeb have screwed it up, as with Libya and Syria.

Not one hint of irony that people would give up their lives to be part of the European Union, whilst we here on this island seem hell bent on leaving the same institution.

Janky has always said that the EU, formed in earlier morphs to prevent a 3rd World War, would probably end up causing it. And here we go.

The Soviets have played that old card of “protecting their populations abroad” as with Georgia in the past. I won’t mention Sudetenland and Northern Poland in the late 30’s. You already knew that.

I will mention the only Mediterranean Russian naval base. It’s in Syria. You may not have known that.

See how it all works.

I am also surprised at the speed at which the Ukrainian Naval Commander handed over their vessels to the Russians. So quick, it made the French look brave and honourable before Vichy.

But if Putin really keeps on this track of defending Russian interest, we will be seeing the Spetnaz marching from 1 Hyde Park, through Knightsbridge and Belgrave Square all the way to Stamford Bridge. In fact the only reason there are so many Russians in that part of Crimea, was due to several waves of free passports handed since partition.

Take note UKIP – they want in in Europe and you never know when you need a bona fide citizen.

But as we all know with history, this aint about anything but the money.

That blonde fox who was banged up by her successor. No not French politics again…I mean imprisoned by the subsequent President. Ask how much of the gas pipelines she has control of?

What’s the point of Gazprom sponsoring the Champions League if they can’t flog it to you and me if someone turns off the stop-cock in Lvov?

And on the continued payback for the Siege of Leningrad, now the Hun have stopped their nuclear reactor programme to focus on green energy, they will become increasingly reliant on Siberian gas. Someone wants to control that.

But all this is but a tuppence down the back of the sofa.

Janky knows where the real coin is here.

And that’s why they need Europe, and Putin wants to control the main export points there.

It’s all about PGS.

Yup, Protected Geographical Status.

This is where the EU hand out a patent to make billionaires out of Roquefort cheese makers, Melton Mowbray pork pie purveyors, Brie barons, Mozzarella Mafia and the Jamon Iberico Junta.

Yes the REAL cash is in food protection.

Now imagine how much will be made when the Chicken Kiev has that status.

You heard it here first.


For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

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