If it's any consolation to Australia, remember that English sport is defined by its false dawns.

An awful World Cup after easy qualification, beating Australia at Twickenham, only to play pathetically against Samoa and South Africa. We can't even bid for a World Cup without shooting ourselves in the foot.

Our sport is the bastard offspring of Audley Harrison and Tim Henman- if it were genetically possible.

So put your dollars on yourselves and watch us revert to type.

And on that vein..the shortlist for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year is out...a gentle reminder of 2010, our sporting annus horribilis. That list in full:

Mark Cavendish

occassional stage winner in French cycle race

Tom Daley

child diver

Jessica Ennis

Commonwealth medallist, beating some Malays and Fijiians

David Haye

beat up has been boxer and university graduate in 8 minutes

AP McCoy

the only jockey without an Irish accent

Graeme McDowell

won a major and watched as an American missed a putt

Graeme Swann

2-161

Phil Taylor

not even a Commonwealth sport. Any game you can smoke whislt doing it is a pasttime, not a sport

Lee Westwood

never won a major, probably never even second

Amy Williams

Skeleton Bob..surely a cartoon character, not a sport.

So, there, our list of the highest achievers this country can offer the world this year.

Mind you, it is "Personality" I suppose, hence Rudzedski won it.

JCF

The reason why this blog exists, sadly passed away at 5am this morning.

Continuing to live - that is, repeat

A habit formed to get necessaries -

Is nearly always losing, or going without.

It varies.

This loss of interest, hair, and enterprise -

Ah, if the game were poker, yes,

You might discard them, draw a full house!

But it's chess.

And once you have walked the length of your mind, what

You command is clear as a lading-list.

Anything else must not, for you, be thought

To exist.

And what's the profit? Only that, in time,

We half-identify the blind impress

All our behavings bear, may trace it home.

But to confess,

On that green evening when our death begins,

Just what it was, is hardly satisfying,

Since it applied only to one man once,

And that one dying.

LM

Ah, and what fine pleasure it is to spend 2 weekends out of the last 3 in England's second city.The last one was for the eponymous "Dive Show". Remarkably a show based on diving, at the NEC. That's just about where the fun started and ended. The Naff Exhibition Centre really is the pits. For starters the best gourmet food around is a Subway. Gourmet for teen agers I am sure, but as an adult, raised on proper food, I like my meat to contain, well...meat. And a veg to have not been gamma irradiated. Shit, that stuff is glowing.

Anyways, we had to offload a large volume of a free dive magazine called "Tanked Up".

www.tankedupmagazine.co.uk

That's how the hard end of marketing works now. If they've already got a plastic bag, offer it up, and you know it probably won't be in the nearest bin within a few seconds.

Now this is my concern....the amount of people that refferred to said organ as a "book" was shocking.

"Oooh look Jamal. A free book"

"That's a nice book, it's got a picture of a fish on it."

Etc.

It's a fuggin MAGAZINE not a BOOK.

No wonder literacy is so poor in this shit country when kids get asked how many books they've read over the summer hols, they say 7 or 8, and on further questioning the teacher finds that it's not Trollope or Austin,

but Heat, Zoo, Nuts and Woman's Realm.

Christ's Big Cock...if you're too dim to tell the difference and let your kids think they are really reading a bloody book, then you as a parent should be sterilsed to prevent further stupidifying of children.

There wa sa time when it was marginally acceptable for this confusion. Yes, in the early eighties with the confused elderly. That's cos there was a similarity in those days.

BUT not now, never.

So Midland plebian, heres how to tell the difference.

A book has an ISBN number.

A magazine has staples.

Gottit??

JCF

Well the spider has still eluded us all, though Secret Canadian has found one of its USB living progeny on his wall. Welcome to the new consultation area. Another issue about moving was we though we would make our waiting area a little more homely and comfortable. Out with rubbish plastic sofas and horrible lino flooring. In with gorgeous sofas and matching rug.

But NO- we didnt figure for Health and Safety. A carpet is not a carpet- its a TRIP HAZARD. Now I have travelled far and wide on this planet, and a trip hazard is bacteria, Souk thieves, lost luggage, coral cuts, getting ripped off at the Forex. Not a sodding carpet.

So weve had to remove its fluffiness from the waiting room in case some daft sod falls over. They should be banned at home too in that case.

Can't think what a sofa is in HSE speak- I think its a FIRE HAZARD said our expert...in which case we should all shave our hair.

Crazy nonsense the fools

JCF

Christ, if MRSA weren't bad enough when you walk into a hospital, or the queues, a bastard bloody spider appeared on the wall right in my tiny office. OK, it might not have been as big as a Fen Spider, or Bird-Eater, but its fangs were larger than its 2 front legs. "They may not be poisonous but they can still give you a heart attack" once spaketh an Ozzie physician.

Any road, once JCFs staff had found a corner to cower in, help was at hand. Secret Canadian stepped forth with a piece of card and a mug. He promptly knocked it down the back of my desk onto my CPU. Damn fool. The bastard ararchnid then went and hid in the USB port. Canadian had patients to see so Brave Dave, the Banjo player stepped forth. He couldn't entice it out though, depite tweezers and a nice word.

So somewhere right by my feet it will erupt and run up my leg. How can a man work in such conditions??

I would take time off until it was destroyed, but there are probably more of them at home.

Boat Elf wants to free it outside when we find it. Foll, it will just come back to haunt me. I plan to stick it to card and run the F***er through my new shredder. A proper Batman style death that Spidey deserves.

There are a few milestones scattered around in life. Your first kiss, that first illegal drink in the pub, the first time you were arrested, passing your driving test. Quite a few in fact.

And today I have hit one of those reached in late years.

Yes...GETTING YOUR CHILD'S HOMEWORK WRONG. Poor Fly-Ass G, he was caught between the wrath of the teacher for "his stupidity" and his own inability to grass up Janky for being well thick.

In the previous years when they bring home the odd bit of long division, or what's French for Window..no worries, well in my scope of competence.

But now Fly's exams approach and it seems things get harder than a pub quiz tie break.

And thanks to 13 years of Labour- we are stressing our kids with more maths and exams EVERY year to rob them of their youth. [Well I spose that it will teach them how to fill in a claim form for when they leave university].

So to take the pressure off the lad, and allow him more time on the X-box I did a sheet of his maths.

123.....a prime number or not.

I said NO.

Disgraceful parenting.

JCF

Just been downtown to check out the sausage shops on the corner of Wency Square. [Apparently they are all owned and staffed by Russians- a local mafia thing- like the ice cream vans that used to sell crack and cornettos on Glasgow council estates.]

The great news for Czech locals is it looks like have gotten into STAG PARTY SEASON. Oh how they adore it. And those that arrive on a Thursday are the ultras of stagging. The Brits as usual are all dressed as Superheroes. The real reason for this of course is nothing to do with being brought up on old Marvel comics. American kids did that- and most Brits under 14 can't read anyway. It's because a Batman/Superman costume has a built in six pack. What better way to disguise your 35 year old beer belly than to hide it under an AbdoSpanx like get up that actually makes you look well fit. We are not conned though- so be honest and all go as Big Daddy or Haystacks, 70's matmen. Lads who were PROUD of their gut.

The best show on offer though was the German stagfest. 8 sonnernkindern all in 'fro wigs, and stick on side boards. The groom was dressed as a fraulein in a pink wig and tiara.

They were being photoed by the tourists more than the statue of King Wency to boot.

One Japanese lady asked why they were dressed so..

"It is because I am getting married in 4 days" replied the cross dressed Hun

"Aaah so..you get married, and your friends dress like drug dealers..strange, in Kobe our men pray and wash before they get married"

TO which we get the non-sequiteur reply:

"But in Germany...we are a little bit crazy"

NO YOU'RE NOT mate...it's only since you had to bale out the Greeks.

JCF

NB when in Prague wear Uggs or cowboy boots. I've turned my ankle more times than Darren "Sicknote" Anderton on the bloody cobbles and tram tracks

Rather like February 15th heralds the big push into Easter, and the end of Halloween is seen as acceptable to rush into Xmas, the same is happening with the world cup.

The Premiership ended yesterday so what better than to give 110% effort in the run up to South Africa kick-off. And to get it all started Tesco's has launched the "World Cup Sandwich".

Before I tuck into it, impossible wrapper permitting, lets imagine how the Tesco Sandwich Development Departement approached its' design.

Mmmm..South Africa, lets pop in a little biltong..no too chewy..ok ostrich, nah it'll make people sick..I know Cape Grapes, palatable and easily sourced.

Next..who are the favourites, Spain- its gotta be chorizo, Holland [an old colonialist]- Edam,

and 5 time winners Brazil- some funky green leaf. Put it in holders Italy bread- ciabatta and YES...it's something approaching a true reflection of the greatest sports tournament on Earth. Worthy of it's football-like sticky label and £2.20 introductory price.

BUT HEY--- what's really in this thing:

"malted brown bread, chicken, pork saussy, smoked FORMED ham, tomato dressing, mayo and spinach"...

just how is that a World Cup sanno? How did spinach make it in the team?

A meaty midfield, yes, but very thin up front.

Come on Tesco..use your imagination, this buttie won't even make it out of the group stages.

JCF

It looks like my carriers have seen the light..this has just arrived into my inbox

"I would like to sincerely apologise for the inconvenience that the disruption to your flight may have caused you.

I can confirm that a payment of £362.22, as refund of your cancelled flight, has already been processed to the original method of payment. This will be made to the credit card used in your original booking within 15-20 working days."

Well, they TAKE my money pretty quickly..shame they can't return it with the same speed.

And...

"Before we can assess your claim for reimbursement, we will need copies of your receipts. These can be scanned and attached to a web form at www.easyJet.com under the "Help" section, which I have included as a link below;

http://www.easyjet.com/en/contact/easyjet_help.html""

Guess what..there is NOWHERE on this page that indicates where to send any form of receipt.

But my favourite bit.....

"The scanned document must be sent via email in one of the following formats, .pdf, .html, .gif, .bmp, .jpg format. It is not allowed to exceed 5 MB in size otherwise we won't receive it.""

Now I am fairly web savvy, but the last time I looked at the boarding scrum on an EJ flight, half the people looked like they didnt possess a computer/or a scanner/or know how to format a scan/ let alone how to keep it all under 5MB!

As Red Snappa says, this is well Orwellian, how could you want to claim your legal rights off us?? Our planes are orange, you love us...maybe they have a point though, if they did go under we'd be stuck with RyanAir. I'd rather walk.

JCF

After way too long in Spain the intrepid 2 are finally back. Hard of arse

[train seats], full of gut [ferry Toblerone- the only thing palatable on a

floating council estate] and the boy better off [ferry bingo].

So the Battersea Blog awards for how to make something seemingly simple,

like repatriating 7 million people worldwide, just so incredibly hard...go

to

HEROES

1.Gatwick Long term Car park. No fuss, just a simple when were you due back,

Oh right a few days ago..well we'll only charge you til then. Awesome. Gold

Award

2. P and O ferries. No, they didn't rip anyone off at all. They offered

places on a fully booked ferry to those with the hardest luck stories. Free

water whilst waiting 5 hours to get on the boat. Free oranges at the same

time. It wasn't their fault the whole of Northern Spain descended on them at

once, but they coped well with 2000 extra people when they were only geared

for 200. My only advice P and O, is how to spot a genuinely disabled person,

rather than the Northern blagging scumbags that hobbled through with a

walking stick to get to the front, only to be later seen doing deck aerobics

whilst at sea. SILVER AWARD

3. Portsmouth Taxi Drivers. Having been ripped off throughout Spain with

incredible fares [£65 from Murcia airport to Murcia] it was good to see the

Pompey Cabbie NOT preying on the travel weary. A fiver from the port to the

station for 3 of us with luggage [we picked up a stray] was honest and fair.

No complaints that we weren't going to Leeds and thus a grand in his hand.

They kept the 100+ queue in order, wouldnt pick up from the back-which would

have caused a Fratton Park style riot, and didnt take you round the "long"

way. BRONZE

VILLAINS

3RD. P and O duty free shop.

Next time theres a volcano, remember there may be a better class of

passenger than you are used to. So stock up on B and H gold, and not only

Mayfair and Dorchester or whatever fags they smoke on Coronation Street.

Mind you I'm getting used to the Regal at the moment.

2ND EASYJET. Twats. OK, it was easy enough to monitor whether your plane was

going or not. But when it was cancelled, yes rebooking seemed easy,until you

saw the dates available. Of course Thursdays and Fridays bumped flyees

booked up Monday and Tuesday ...and so on, but when I looked there was

nothing/nada/zip for 10 days. This is crap. Jet2com put on extra flights,

and at least provided buses to Northern France for it's passengers, Easyjet

just sat on its chubby Greek hands and let people rot or make their own way

back. Not good enough.

And have you tried getting a refund?? Impossible, you need to provide

scanned copies of everything and have at least 3 yes THREE alternate email

address to correspond with them. Its a frank lesson in how to put in a

refund system and then not let it work unless you employ a bloody barrister.

A bit like the NHS complaints system I spose.

1st and the GOLD award for bastardry. That helmet-haired-fat-jobsworth-***t

who works for Renfe, the Spanish rail system on the Madrid to Bilbao run.

The train was leaving at 8am. We were there at 7.50 and he wouldnt accept

the emailed version of the train ticket sent to me by his employers. The

bastard grinned and made me leave the kid on the platform and run back to a

crowded ticketing room to get a print off. Its the same fuckin thing mate.

Sorry I didnt come on holiday with my bloody printer, but in some

circumstances show some flexibility you fool. I made it back with a

minute to spare, had to scan my bags, and guess what, yes some Irish

backpacker nicked my bag out the other side. Security didnt see it happen as

they were too busy "protecting" the fat arse who was trembling at my

"gonnagetcha" withering look. [as practised daily with the staff]. So Juan,

or whatever your parents christened your evil ass, I have your prints on the

ticket stub, am gonna spent 5 years in Benin learning proper voodoo, and one

day you will will wake up with a strange all consuming rash...

Cono hijo [as my Google translate tells me]