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28th October 2010 - TRIP HAZARD

Well the spider has still eluded us all, though Secret Canadian has found one of its USB living progeny on his wall. Welcome to the new consultation area. Another issue about moving was we though we would make our waiting area a little more homely and comfortable. Out with rubbish plastic sofas and horrible lino flooring. In with gorgeous sofas and matching rug.

But NO- we didnt figure for Health and Safety. A carpet is not a carpet- its a TRIP HAZARD. Now I have travelled far and wide on this planet, and a trip hazard is bacteria, Souk thieves, lost luggage, coral cuts, getting ripped off at the Forex. Not a sodding carpet.

So weve had to remove its fluffiness from the waiting room in case some daft sod falls over. They should be banned at home too in that case.

Can't think what a sofa is in HSE speak- I think its a FIRE HAZARD said our expert...in which case we should all shave our hair.

Crazy nonsense the fools

JCF

Comments on this post:
2010-10-28

And no sooner had I posted that, then guess who spams me....YES

The HealthandSafety update..

""An informative newsletter that keeps professionals within the health & safety trade up to date with the latest news and product information"

Here's my favourite new innovation from a company called Optex:

"A variety of innovative external detectors from Optex Europe have been installed at a psychiatric hospital to prevent patients from leaving the site, accessing out of bounds areas and escaping via the roof or causing themselves injury."

And how do they do this..read on:

" The system comprises multiple Optex BoundaryGard Active AX beams around the wall of the hospital covering perimeter windows and the new FIT Series FTN RAM detectors covering individual windows where beams would have been impractical."

But you can't stop the loons from tunnelling out though. Ha, its cheaper to just chain 'em up you know.

JCF

Janky Myself

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
26th October 2010 - SPIDER

Christ, if MRSA weren't bad enough when you walk into a hospital, or the queues, a bastard bloody spider appeared on the wall right in my tiny office. OK, it might not have been as big as a Fen Spider, or Bird-Eater, but its fangs were larger than its 2 front legs. "They may not be poisonous but they can still give you a heart attack" once spaketh an Ozzie physician.

Any road, once JCFs staff had found a corner to cower in, help was at hand. Secret Canadian stepped forth with a piece of card and a mug. He promptly knocked it down the back of my desk onto my CPU. Damn fool. The bastard ararchnid then went and hid in the USB port. Canadian had patients to see so Brave Dave, the Banjo player stepped forth. He couldn't entice it out though, depite tweezers and a nice word.

So somewhere right by my feet it will erupt and run up my leg. How can a man work in such conditions??

I would take time off until it was destroyed, but there are probably more of them at home.

Boat Elf wants to free it outside when we find it. Foll, it will just come back to haunt me. I plan to stick it to card and run the F***er through my new shredder. A proper Batman style death that Spidey deserves.

Comments on this post:
2010-10-27

Hopefully this kind of incident will become a thing of the past once the Tories slash spending on spiders and spider-related benefits.

Machete Masta Red Snappa

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
18th May 2010 - 123

There are a few milestones scattered around in life. Your first kiss, that first illegal drink in the pub, the first time you were arrested, passing your driving test. Quite a few in fact.

And today I have hit one of those reached in late years.

Yes...GETTING YOUR CHILD'S HOMEWORK WRONG. Poor Fly-Ass G, he was caught between the wrath of the teacher for "his stupidity" and his own inability to grass up Janky for being well thick.

In the previous years when they bring home the odd bit of long division, or what's French for Window..no worries, well in my scope of competence.

But now Fly's exams approach and it seems things get harder than a pub quiz tie break.

And thanks to 13 years of Labour- we are stressing our kids with more maths and exams EVERY year to rob them of their youth. [Well I spose that it will teach them how to fill in a claim form for when they leave university].

So to take the pressure off the lad, and allow him more time on the X-box I did a sheet of his maths.

123.....a prime number or not.

I said NO.

Disgraceful parenting.

JCF

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
13th May 2010 - Prague 2

Just been downtown to check out the sausage shops on the corner of Wency Square. [Apparently they are all owned and staffed by Russians- a local mafia thing- like the ice cream vans that used to sell crack and cornettos on Glasgow council estates.]

The great news for Czech locals is it looks like have gotten into STAG PARTY SEASON. Oh how they adore it. And those that arrive on a Thursday are the ultras of stagging. The Brits as usual are all dressed as Superheroes. The real reason for this of course is nothing to do with being brought up on old Marvel comics. American kids did that- and most Brits under 14 can't read anyway. It's because a Batman/Superman costume has a built in six pack. What better way to disguise your 35 year old beer belly than to hide it under an AbdoSpanx like get up that actually makes you look well fit. We are not conned though- so be honest and all go as Big Daddy or Haystacks, 70's matmen. Lads who were PROUD of their gut.

The best show on offer though was the German stagfest. 8 sonnernkindern all in 'fro wigs, and stick on side boards. The groom was dressed as a fraulein in a pink wig and tiara.

They were being photoed by the tourists more than the statue of King Wency to boot.

One Japanese lady asked why they were dressed so..

"It is because I am getting married in 4 days" replied the cross dressed Hun

"Aaah so..you get married, and your friends dress like drug dealers..strange, in Kobe our men pray and wash before they get married"

TO which we get the non-sequiteur reply:

"But in Germany...we are a little bit crazy"

NO YOU'RE NOT mate...it's only since you had to bale out the Greeks.

JCF

NB when in Prague wear Uggs or cowboy boots. I've turned my ankle more times than Darren "Sicknote" Anderton on the bloody cobbles and tram tracks

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
10th May 2010 - Sandwich

Rather like February 15th heralds the big push into Easter, and the end of Halloween is seen as acceptable to rush into Xmas, the same is happening with the world cup.

The Premiership ended yesterday so what better than to give 110% effort in the run up to South Africa kick-off. And to get it all started Tesco's has launched the "World Cup Sandwich".

Before I tuck into it, impossible wrapper permitting, lets imagine how the Tesco Sandwich Development Departement approached its' design.

Mmmm..South Africa, lets pop in a little biltong..no too chewy..ok ostrich, nah it'll make people sick..I know Cape Grapes, palatable and easily sourced.

Next..who are the favourites, Spain- its gotta be chorizo, Holland [an old colonialist]- Edam,

and 5 time winners Brazil- some funky green leaf. Put it in holders Italy bread- ciabatta and YES...it's something approaching a true reflection of the greatest sports tournament on Earth. Worthy of it's football-like sticky label and 2.20 introductory price.

BUT HEY--- what's really in this thing:

"malted brown bread, chicken, pork saussy, smoked FORMED ham, tomato dressing, mayo and spinach"...

just how is that a World Cup sanno? How did spinach make it in the team?

A meaty midfield, yes, but very thin up front.

Come on Tesco..use your imagination, this buttie won't even make it out of the group stages.

JCF

Comments on this post:
2010-05-10

Not sure I really understand this "World's Cup" you have over there in Englandishire. Does it go on for as long as your National Election thing? Why don't you Limeys just get over it. It ain't never gonna be no "World's Game" until you let the US of A play sometime and everyone knows David Beckham and the Red Manchester Devils will win it all anyway.

And wouldja just suck it up and vote for the Queen, already? Same as you have done for like, forever. C'mon! Take a hint from a country that knows how to run an election sometime: when it gets close, stop counting bits of paper and just give the keys to the Republicans. Jeez.

S Tank

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
4th May 2010 - Easyjet 1

It looks like my carriers have seen the light..this has just arrived into my inbox

"I would like to sincerely apologise for the inconvenience that the disruption to your flight may have caused you.

I can confirm that a payment of 362.22, as refund of your cancelled flight, has already been processed to the original method of payment. This will be made to the credit card used in your original booking within 15-20 working days."

Well, they TAKE my money pretty quickly..shame they can't return it with the same speed.

And...

"Before we can assess your claim for reimbursement, we will need copies of your receipts. These can be scanned and attached to a web form at www.easyJet.com under the "Help" section, which I have included as a link below;

http://www.easyjet.com/en/contact/easyjet_help.html""

Guess what..there is NOWHERE on this page that indicates where to send any form of receipt.

But my favourite bit.....

"The scanned document must be sent via email in one of the following formats, .pdf, .html, .gif, .bmp, .jpg format. It is not allowed to exceed 5 MB in size otherwise we won't receive it.""

Now I am fairly web savvy, but the last time I looked at the boarding scrum on an EJ flight, half the people looked like they didnt possess a computer/or a scanner/or know how to format a scan/ let alone how to keep it all under 5MB!

As Red Snappa says, this is well Orwellian, how could you want to claim your legal rights off us?? Our planes are orange, you love us...maybe they have a point though, if they did go under we'd be stuck with RyanAir. I'd rather walk.

JCF

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
30th April 2010 - Heroes and Villains

After way too long in Spain the intrepid 2 are finally back. Hard of arse

[train seats], full of gut [ferry Toblerone- the only thing palatable on a

floating council estate] and the boy better off [ferry bingo].

So the Battersea Blog awards for how to make something seemingly simple,

like repatriating 7 million people worldwide, just so incredibly hard...go

to

HEROES

1.Gatwick Long term Car park. No fuss, just a simple when were you due back,

Oh right a few days ago..well we'll only charge you til then. Awesome. Gold

Award

2. P and O ferries. No, they didn't rip anyone off at all. They offered

places on a fully booked ferry to those with the hardest luck stories. Free

water whilst waiting 5 hours to get on the boat. Free oranges at the same

time. It wasn't their fault the whole of Northern Spain descended on them at

once, but they coped well with 2000 extra people when they were only geared

for 200. My only advice P and O, is how to spot a genuinely disabled person,

rather than the Northern blagging scumbags that hobbled through with a

walking stick to get to the front, only to be later seen doing deck aerobics

whilst at sea. SILVER AWARD

3. Portsmouth Taxi Drivers. Having been ripped off throughout Spain with

incredible fares [65 from Murcia airport to Murcia] it was good to see the

Pompey Cabbie NOT preying on the travel weary. A fiver from the port to the

station for 3 of us with luggage [we picked up a stray] was honest and fair.

No complaints that we weren't going to Leeds and thus a grand in his hand.

They kept the 100+ queue in order, wouldnt pick up from the back-which would

have caused a Fratton Park style riot, and didnt take you round the "long"

way. BRONZE

VILLAINS

3RD. P and O duty free shop.

Next time theres a volcano, remember there may be a better class of

passenger than you are used to. So stock up on B and H gold, and not only

Mayfair and Dorchester or whatever fags they smoke on Coronation Street.

Mind you I'm getting used to the Regal at the moment.

2ND EASYJET. Twats. OK, it was easy enough to monitor whether your plane was

going or not. But when it was cancelled, yes rebooking seemed easy,until you

saw the dates available. Of course Thursdays and Fridays bumped flyees

booked up Monday and Tuesday ...and so on, but when I looked there was

nothing/nada/zip for 10 days. This is crap. Jet2com put on extra flights,

and at least provided buses to Northern France for it's passengers, Easyjet

just sat on its chubby Greek hands and let people rot or make their own way

back. Not good enough.

And have you tried getting a refund?? Impossible, you need to provide

scanned copies of everything and have at least 3 yes THREE alternate email

address to correspond with them. Its a frank lesson in how to put in a

refund system and then not let it work unless you employ a bloody barrister.

A bit like the NHS complaints system I spose.

1st and the GOLD award for bastardry. That helmet-haired-fat-jobsworth-***t

who works for Renfe, the Spanish rail system on the Madrid to Bilbao run.

The train was leaving at 8am. We were there at 7.50 and he wouldnt accept

the emailed version of the train ticket sent to me by his employers. The

bastard grinned and made me leave the kid on the platform and run back to a

crowded ticketing room to get a print off. Its the same fuckin thing mate.

Sorry I didnt come on holiday with my bloody printer, but in some

circumstances show some flexibility you fool. I made it back with a

minute to spare, had to scan my bags, and guess what, yes some Irish

backpacker nicked my bag out the other side. Security didnt see it happen as

they were too busy "protecting" the fat arse who was trembling at my

"gonnagetcha" withering look. [as practised daily with the staff]. So Juan,

or whatever your parents christened your evil ass, I have your prints on the

ticket stub, am gonna spent 5 years in Benin learning proper voodoo, and one

day you will will wake up with a strange all consuming rash...

Cono hijo [as my Google translate tells me]

Comments on this post:
2010-05-01

I wish to make a complaint

JCF,

I tried complaining about a Qantas flight last July. Last July and I'm still angry about it now.

The thing is, you go on their website and there's nowhere for you to make a complaint. All you can do is "Share your Qantas Experience".

I'd like to commend them on their Orwellian logic ie. that it's impossible to be unhappy with their service because there is no such concept as a complaint, but instead I'd prefer to just kick them in their conceptual nuts.

Some might say that's impossible, but I never thought I'd hear a story of an honest taxi driver either.

Machete Masta Red Snappa

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
23rd April 2010 - Bilbao

"And Madrid so totally sucks"

If an eleven year old with a thirst for ticking off new cities can say that, well then it probably does. Bilbao only adds to its suckiness when you see what theyve done with that town.

Better bridges than London, and an art gallery that looks like a Picasso pangolin.

Tom excelled himself here, if art reflects life then I have a potential ASBO kid on my hands.

The rope keeping you a good 2 feet from an Yves Klein blotchy blue piece of "art" was dragged left footed into a convexity beyond its limits.

The alarm went off. Security guards came bursting through into the room to see Tom looking sheepish.

"No patear la cuerda por la pintura mierda!!" they screamed.

"but in London..that never happens". He is right, the red cords at the RA arent wired.

Anyway, completely unchasened by this, he went to the next room and promptly stuck his finger into an electronic instillation.

I had to swear..and swear properly at him.

And so as tempers frayed on our AshNomadicism back home

"dont say f*** to me Daddy"

"don't stick your finger in art".

Yves Klein by the way, painted the blue blotch by getting naked Paris chicks in the 60's to paint themselves blue and press up to the canvas. I think there comes a point with art where we have to admit the creator is really sexually frustrated, and uses his work to vent that, or just oggle birds, in a kind of On the Buses/Carry On sort of way. [see Reubens, Modigliani and Botticelli]

At least Dave Sullivan is honest with his work.

Klein went on to experiment with fire after the "blue" phase. He would flamethrow a canvas as a fireman stood by pouring water onto it. Havent seen many of those at the Tate.

Tom finished off with the old cotemporary gallery "fire extinguisher gag"

You know the one...mmmm I wonder who did this work. It took me until I was 21 to do that one at the Tate..he's learning quick.

JCF

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
19th April 2010 - Monday in Madrid

Tom and I are rather slowly making our way back from a rain sodden la manga to the shores of the UK. We pulled into the so called capital of spain last night and hope to get to Bilbao tomorrow. I will come back to the mess and failures of the EU transport system another time, but whilst sitting crammed in a web cafe, surrounded by swiss and Hun in the same positin as us, there is a sort of a Blitz mentality goping on. Except for klaus on my right whose grandparents started it.

However, monday in madrid...there are 3 big galleries in town. One houses Guernica, a big black and white comment on war by the cubist himself.Not bad, if you like bulls and horses at peculiar angles. But what gets my fury exploding, is the other 2 major league art houses here, the prado and Thyssen Boerisma are blody well closed. Both of them. YOud have thought that with unemployment at 20 % therd be enough people to staff a sodding gallery. Especially with Europes ashNomads piling through this town.

luckily Tom bought a Picasso powerball at the last gallery gift shop...so apologies to the Prado who will find tomorrow, puple marks over their atrium by the main entrance, and a couple of chips on the big 18th century wooden doors that stayed oh so closed. Our last game (hit the O in Goya)was won by me, but we are still waiting for a ruling as Tom reckons it hit the outer rim of said letter.

i always wanted to do that

and that...

conclusive proof that this is a true spanish keyboard.

Got some french in the next door booth now...they could darn well walk back, lazy sods.

so..now I know what it feels like to be an immigrant trying to get to our fine shores...and advice to all those who follow, hit this town on a Tuesday.

arriba

JCF

Comments on this post:
2010-04-19

I assume your misspells, and poor syntax are not as a result of your stupidity..but due to the fact that your keyboard is sticky and dusty due to a hundred years of backpackers dirty fingers....

Ramon

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
8th April 2010 - Prague

How do you know when Obama's in town?

The first giveaway is the sniper on the roof opposite.

And like out of that Pepsi ad, the girls here are all staring and ooh and aahing over his cropped haircut and ripped biceps.

The Czech guys of course see the truth.

"50 cal laser sighted" they all croon.

My English superior knowledge of security is asked for..."is he FBI, CIA or who"

NRA honey...good old National Rivers Association.

Mixed acronym gags are lost on the Czechistas though,so i'll keep the WWF one to myself.

Anyways, President Hope Change and whatever other verb Cameron's going to steal this month is here to meet none other than Presidential Puppet Mededev. He pulled in last night and is at the 4 Seasons. Big O is at the Hilton apparetnly. I wonder how they sort this out beforehand, as the former is way nicer? Better stocked minibars and the showers still work.

However the main source of Czech incredulity is the fact that Medvedev is a dwarf. Well 5 ft 3" apparently. What they miss is that there's no way that Putin will "put in" a Pres who will turn out more popular than him over the next 4 years. So a dwarf it has to be for the Russians until Putin is reelected off the back of topless bear fighting photos in a few years.

Now theres an idea for Nick Clegg.

BB

Comments on this post:
2010-04-08

Hot news from Wensclesas Square..the crowds are cheering. Little paper flags rhythmically waved. The CONTRACT is signed!

A quiet new world. The Yanks and the Russkies have agreed not to prolifewrate their nukes any more. Production will cease. The thousands of old ones stashed away in bunkers from Kansas to Kamchatka will just have to do.

But am I the only one dissappointed? Just where the hell does a man buy a shiny new nuke now??? Guess i'll have to join the queues in Pakistan and North Korea like every other bloody terrorist.

RasPutin

For an even better blog than this... Read Rob's Blog

 
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