29th April 2013 - E-FAG
Janky’s drug of choice has been more and more demonised over the last few years. There was a time when this legal high was “cool”, and all the kids did it. Now the Jankster is seen increasingly as a loser and a pariah for his addiction to his daily fix.
It’s an odd world where cokesters are seen as high achievers, dopesters as free thinking liberals, cracksters as richly experimental and ketaminesters as wackily festival-funny…but the few remaining fagsters, are just boring old coughy gits.
Janky is thinking of getting a bit more with the times for his needs.
So thank St Stuyvesant, the patron saint of emphysema and general wheezing, for pub legal, battery powered, water vapourising, nicotine delivering..…E-fags.
And thanks to the fine ho who showed Janky the light.
Well not quite, you don’t need a flame any more.
Just a micro-USB port on your laptop.
The tipping point to unbox this initially strange object, that did remain on my kitchen table for a few days, like a modern totem to yesterday’s evil, was one of the Organisation’s team having a whinge.
Janky was tabbing away old school in the car with the team at close quarters in the back, setting up the next days drive-by.
“Oh, stoop smoking. I smell of tobacco. My hair stinks. My clothes are gonna have to be dry cleaned…etc etc”
You never got that in the old days on the tube, planes and trains when sparking up.
I had to placate her with a voucher for Lenor and some Febreze handy-wipes.
“Well, I smell of that fruit you just ate. Its fuggin revolting. I put on my new 007 aftershave and all I can whiff is pineapple..” was my response.
Janky Lesson in Life 38:
When absolutely in the wrong, bang to rights and totally cornered by your own guilt, there is only one way out.
Go on the attack with the bizarre.
Wife: Why the **** are you in bed with my sister?
Errant husband : It’s only because you don’t cook me enough vegetables.
George Washington Senior: Did you cut down that cherry tree?
George Junior: NO..it was a troupe of beaver from Idaho aided by the Cherokee. They got in through the hole in the fence YOU failed to fix Pop.
Federal Judge: Why did you let off two explosive devices?
Council for D. Tsarnaev: He was trying to raise awareness for NORAID and the Real IRA.
You get my drift.
My team never eat fruit near me now.
But the next day on the drive-by, I took the E-tab.
And it works…no odour and a nicotine hit to stop a mad honey badger in search of Sugar Smacks.
But therein lies the problem. Within 4 toots my lips were tingling and a heady rush ensued reminiscent of the day a bottle of poppers fell uncapped into the footwell of a Ford Escort on Nightingale Lane.
“Sheeeit”, I said to the posse, just how much nicotine’s in this damn thing.
Yup…18 mg. that’s equivalent to 40 Woodbine.
But…and here’s the rub, there’s 30 TAT [tokes-a-tab] per ciggy. Do your multiplication..that 18mg is delivered over 1200T with evil old cigs.
I sucked trendy funky USB fag dry in about 100T.
No wonder I still can’t feel my nose.
I sincerely hope they have tested these on school children and Beagles before letting them loose on my manor.
And whilst on the subject of yoof and smoking. Fly-Ass had his first home-boy busted for this at the Young Offenders Institute in Oxfordshire he attends. The bustees Dad was more pissed off that the 50 quid fine was going on the fees rather than docking a day off the kid’s ‘time off for good behaviour’.
“Don’t know why he does it or how he got caught” he mused whilst pulling hard on a Marlboro as we both watched YOI take on Datchet Modern at cricket.
Apparently the Warders smelt it a mile off.
Now here’s a solution…..