We're all fed up of it now. It was fun to start with, for a few days. Now its just miserable. Britain, the only country that can have a hosepipe ban running concurrently with flood alerts.

Poor Fly-Ass has had 6 cricket matches cancelled in a row. He now demonstrates an entirely new psychological manifestation of too much indoor practise. "Net Fever" it is now termed. If Fly sees another net he will go proper mental. Bang goes our summer holiday to Fleetwood.

Even Janky's one game of the season was waterlogged off. As this was my only exercise planned for 2012, it will herald my ensuing coronary event that bit closer.

Thames Water, though, have decided to remind us via highly expensive Tube ads, that "a few weeks of rain don't make up for 2 years of dryness". Piss off I say. If any of you have had to be outside, and I mean outside like a farmer or that nutter outside the Houses of Parliament..we know the truth.

Ever since Gordon Bloody Brown banned smoking in boozers back on that fateful day in June 2008, Janky has had to spend most of his days and evenings perched on a pub doorstep, freezing/getting soaked/ adding hypothermia to which ever lung disease I am supposed to get.

Thames Water...there's been plenty of rain, you should use the eternal excuse we WILL believe.."its just the wrong sort of rain". British Rail used that in the 90's and we still believe it.

But which Knight should come to our rescue to brighten these showery days? The good old PoW himself, the future Charles III. He actually was quite funny doin' da wevva, as is said in my parts.

Janky once met him when I was in the homeless shelters of Pimlico. Bizarrely short, and I mean Chegwin short, not Corbett short, he spent the whole time talking about GM goats producing drugs in their milk, and how all doctors would have one in their surgery by the time he reigned. Off he went after that diatribe leaving all the Oirish nurses thinking he was nuts.

Mind you, the rate his Mums going, there will be space stations on Saturn by the time he gets to wear the family bling at Westminster Abbey.

But things could change soon. How about this for a Casualty situation. Lets see the Thames full of flood water...stick more boats than have been seen since Dunkirk on it..probably add a few copycat protestors who like to swim amongst things..and then stick the Queen in the middle of it all. I am surprised that Her Majesty's Elf 'n'Safety have not kyboshed it by now.

Rain will bring yet more reign.

JCF

The world waits as the shimmer off the race track in Bahrain increases with the midday heat. Will this be added to by petrol bombs which have effectively send the Indian team home?

Should sport and politics never be an interlocking part of a Venn diagram?

If it can be used as a force for good, then it must realise it can be manipulated to be a force for bad. You only have to look at Berlin Olympics and 1930's Italian World Cups to know that. But then again we know how cretinous the IOC and FIFA can be.

And now Formula 1 are dragged into a Sunni-Shia punch up on a tiny island only famous for pearls and being the residence of a scumbag that owes Janky 30k.

[Are you reading this Farad..yes YOU Farad Heidari.]

The decision to go ahead or not with the race is still a political hot potato, that only someone with the wisdom of Solomon would welcome.

Fortunately F1 has at hand, Sport's Favourite Midget. Step forward Mr Bernie Ecclestone.

He will make the right judgement call, won't he...

OK, so he bribed Blair a bit, still has an odd choice of haircut, but he will be up to the job, eh?

Mmmm, did you see that piece in the rags last week about the female test driver, Susie Wolff at Williams?

Bernie the Wise commented "If Susie is as quick in a car as she looks good out of a car then she will be a massive asset to any team. On top of that she is very intelligent"

Thank the Lord/Allah that the Bahrain decision has Bernie at the helm.

What also was odd, was the Telegraph reported this with no hint of irony. Bernie Bresslaw and Sid James must be chuckling away, wherever deceased Carry On stars end up in the afterlife.

Probably in a pit lane with Susie on their laps.."Oooer Sid , she's got good assets etc etc"

JCF

FAT LOVERS.

Whilst it is beautiful that 2 members of the opposite sex, but the same end of the BMI chart can still find love, may I point out one thing.

There are many ways of showing the world your affection...a sneaked snog, little fingers entwined on the tube together, perhaps even romantic footage of yourselves on YTube. But there is one way you do NOT show your lardy love.

Yes..walking hand in hand through the tube corridors at peak times.

YOU CREATE A BIG FLESHY BARRIER to those trying to get to work, as you slowly wend your way to Happy Hour at Subway.

Fat lovers..walk one behind the other, like the elephants used to at the circus before Red Ken banned all that.

Or apply for your US green card where you will undoubtedly fit in a lot better.

See earlier post. They got him and his son.

But what gets me is the rather pathetic thinly disguised spam I now get from NATO, Dave and Sharkozy. Obviously a means to claw back the monies spent on jet fuel n bombs in our pursuit of cheap oil, which the Chinese are gonna get anyways.

""My name is Nick Cam, Executive Director, Foreign Exchange, Ecobank Plc. I am 54 years, and I have been in the current position since 2005, and I may be retiring before the next 3 years, and that is what necessitates this brief message to you with firm belief that we both can mutually compliment one another in a уnce in a life time opportunity' that's currently available in my office and which I intend to maximally exploit.

There is thirty five million dollars ($35,000.000.00) in an escrow account under my direct supervision whose owner, colonel Mouarmer Ghadafi has just been killed. The colonel did not name any specific next of kin, but he did indicated that his son, S. Al Islam should assume ownership in the event of his death. It is not possible for the National Transition Council N.T.C of Libya to trace this fund or any other in other several African banks because the late president merely used special codes, and unlike in western countries where banks are under obligation to disclose every deposits with secret codes to government for possible asset frozen, such arbitrary regulation does not applies in Africa.

And for now, Ghadafi family is confused and totally disorganised to trace some of their wealth scattered around the world, and this is why I have decided to strike now.

I will assemble all the necessary papers for transfer including a purpoted letter of consent from Ghadafi son or any member of his family, and upon ratification by head of our legal department whom I have incorporated into this deal, transfer is now ready to be made to an account to be provided by you anywhere in the world.

After successful transfer to your bank account, I will destroy every record relating to this transaction by setting my office on fire, and 12 months after the incident, I will put in my resignation letter. Mission acomplished.

I will give you not more than 30% of the entire fund for your commitment, support and trust while you hold the remaining 70% for me in trust and advice on possible viable investment options for my consideration pending final disengagement from Ecobank.

If divine mind that pervades the Universe has considered you worthy and have chosen you to be my confidant; then acknowledge my letter and estabish contact with me ASAP. Please reply to my official e-mail adress

DCamandNSar@nato.com""

Perhaps it was all started by the Nigerians all along.

JCF

They’ve got bacon. Nice greasy fatty bacon. Abu does run a good hotel. Secret though has gone for fish and horseradish for his brekker. A protein only start to the day he says. We have all been conned into eating carbo cereal. Good point, though I would rather be fat on Crunchy Nut, than smell of Billingsgate.

Right, education time. It all kicks off at the local medical school at 8.

Our taxi gets lost on the 2 kilometre trip there and we arrive late.

The celeb launching the conference is the quintessentially English doctor David Elliot. A mix of Bond, Q and M, all he has to sport for a lifetime as the best ever UK dive doctor is an OBE. The same as Collingwood got for playing one test match. He’s in his eighties and only mentions the war twice. The first time about a colleague who smuggled injured sailors across a Hun Norwegian blockade, the second to thank the Poles for helping out in the Battle of Britain.

The 2 Germans sitting in front of me hang their heads in shame.

Next up a Spanish professor reveals his obsession for Chopin, the Polish songster. His own research over many years has revealed that Chopin may have had chronic carbon monoxide poisoning from open braziers whilst in Majorca. Nice diagnosis. Shame he’s already been dead for 100 years though.

Pork based lunch is early today. This is because the third talk is cancelled.

The Portuguese Navy have failed to turn up. Yup, no sign of our brave allies. They were going to tell us about the results of 10 years worth of treatments in their facility. So its not like they haven’t had time to practise their talk. Just no sign of them at all. They’ve obviously been hanging out with the French navy too long.

The other talks in brief:

A Dane on carbon dioxide assessment. Boring.

A Swede modifies a defibrillator to work in high pressures- though only in theory.

Frenchie has figured out that the worse a neurological bend is- the worse the outcome.

The Norwegians tell us that a psychological factor in diving accidents is “panic”. No shit.

The Portuguese Navy have turned up. They went to the wrong venue. Magellan must be turning in his grave.

The Aussies designed a proforma to predict the bends in tuna farmers and PADI instructors. Sadly it didn’t work.

Germany’s Dr Koch. Fwoop. (This IS terribly funny at 4pm after a day of lectures) has worked out more blood flows to the brain after exercise in a chamber. Perhaps they should make it mandatory for footballers.

A Russian talks us through static apnoea. That’s holding your breath to you and me. It’s a sport you know. Lying face down in a pool, people are timed. The record is 11 minutes for blokes and 8 for birds. Cant see it knocking the darts and wrestling off Sky Sports 2 though.

And finally a Turk has designed a Bluetooth dive computer. Its only got a 2 centimetre range and doesn’t work in the water though.

That’s it for educatin’ for the day.

The evening finishes in a mature fashion. Secret is seen naked in an Old Town fountain, whilst Janky and Si are under house arrest for impersonating doctors.